Self Love

7 Steps for Authentic Self-Forgiveness

Recently I came across an interview about self forgiveness and untangling the energy of conflict on the website Buddha at the Gas Pump with guest, Mary Reed - an “accidental” mystic.

Personally, I applied what she said in my life the day I heard her interview and every day since about authentic self forgiveness. I even dedicated my Ashtanga Mysore yoga practice solely to self-forgiveness the next morning and it felt amazing!

To be honest, the work of self-forgiveness and untangling conflict that I have done on myself in the last week has had a pretty big ripple effect on my life and relationships in a huge and positive way!

Mary's interview is robust and about an hour long, so I put together a shorter version of it. Click here if you'd like to read the generalized transcript of Mary's interview.

Or better yet, you can click on the link to Mary’s interview and watch or listen to that section (1:24:22 – 1:29:51) if you’d like to hear it in her own voice, which I highly recommend.

From Mary’s interview, I identified these 7-Steps for Authentic Self-Forgiveness and Untangling Conflict:

1. RECOGNIZE conflict energy as an entanglement. Imagine it like a bunch of tightly wound up messy tangled thread around yourself and the other person you’re in conflict with, and around all the people you’ve involved (and that the other person’s involved) in some way in your conflict story.

2. EVALUATE earnestly, taking the time to go in and see your own role in this, your own part, your own feelings in the conflict.

3. OWN everything that you feel – take total responsibility for you in this conflict situation.

4. ALLOW yourself time and any rituals to get to that place of authentic self forgiveness for your way of seeing things and the things you have done. It’s only about forgiving yourself – there is no need to forgive the other, as that would be judgment based. The key is to leave the other person out of the forgiveness process completely.

5. OBSERVE that once you’ve reached authentic self-forgiveness, the thread that was once wrapped around you, opens up and begins to fall away, because you have done the work to transmute your own fears and judgments, into compassion, understanding and love.

6. TRUST that through your self-forgiveness process, the thread that was wound around the other, and around your people (and their people) begins to also release and fall away.

7. WATCH for the manifestations of this self-forgiveness work and releasing of the energetic entanglement of conflict, in the good things that come of it!

You too can begin today to apply these 7 steps in your day to day life and conflicts in relationships from the past or current ones to gain resolution and relief from collective suffering.

As a personal example, I’ve come to a place of self-forgiveness for being me, for being just the way I am. Specifically I applied it to the area of my home life. I share a house with my roommate, and it has been quite a tension filled relationship living together as our values, interests and personalities differ. I am more of an extreme introvert in my home environment, and consistently choose to take more personal space while at home (among my other probably not so cool habits and quirks that may be irritating to others!).

After using the 7-step process of self forgiveness and untangling conflict, I was able to take time to see that I’m fine just the way I am, as is my roommate. Through the steps, I was able untangle my side of the tension in the relationship without really expecting results. To my surprise after I did that work on myself, I noticed my roommate being nicer to me than usual, extending kindness towards me, and I really appreciated the gestures and positive energy.

I don’t know if that’s because I’ve gone through that work on myself, or if it’s because I’m moving out and she’s happy for that?!  Either way, I feel better about myself, and about choosing what makes me happy without guilt. I was able to let go of any judgments I had about my personality and my choices in my living environment and that was huge for me, because I was constantly not feeling good enough in general in our living situation and relationship in the past.

In other areas in my life I’ve applied this self-forgiveness work too. For example, in the deepest and longest relationships of my life--with my parents. I’ve forgiven myself for being the rebellious and often disrespectful child I felt I was.

This has lightened my communication with my parents instantly! To my surprise, I’ve had easier and more pleasant phone calls and email exchanges with my parents in the days following my self-forgiveness process.

Most importantly I feel the affects most profoundly in the relationship I have with myself. The more authentic self-forgiveness I feel towards myself, and for all the so called "mistakes" I’ve made in the past, the more I like and love myself. In fact, I actually love myself for all that silly crazy tough stuff I've gone through and done! This process has led me to compassionate acceptance of who I am, and gratitude for life and all the choices I've made.

Now it's your turn!

Do you find that you have been hard on yourself for way too long and it's creating stress in your life? Are you looking for a way to smooth out relationships with people you notice you no longer feel good about? And most importantly, would you like to stop beating yourself up for all of your past choices that still haunt you til this day?

I've gathered some helpful tips to share with you in order to help you get through this journey of self-forgiveness and achieve more peace of mind.

Today, and through this week, take a few moments to sit quietly by yourself and:

  • Ask yourself if there are any past or current conflicts that you’d like to resolve.
  • If anything comes up, first use your intuition to allow those things to be understood by your highest self and follow what your heart tells you is the right process for you.
  • Then apply the 7-Steps for Authentic Self-Forgiveness and Untangling Conflict above, to resolve your energetic entanglements if it feels right to do so for you.
  • Remember, be patient and see what comes about when you simply give yourself this space to forgive yourself and return to a place of love and compassion. It may not be an instant fix, and you may need to do this process over and over again until all the threads become freed.

My wish is for you to love yourself more as a result of practicing authentic self forgiveness and to be able to resolve conflict in your relationships. As a result, we can together affect the world in a positive way by easing our collective suffering through this form of self love and compassion for others!

And finally a huge thank you to Mary Reed and her amazing insight and sharing of these useful tools that have already benefited me greatly and I hope will benefit you too!


Om Shanti Shanti Shanti.

May you be happy,
May you be at peace and
May you be healthy in body, mind and spirit.

Love and hugs,


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